For Writers – but join in, if you know the chorus

This one is for all you struggling scribblers out there. First, let’s admit that we all have a big ego. We’d have to, to sit there and plunk out a book and think that people are going to read it. To be honest, what the world really needs most, as the middle east burns and the Muslims are killing all the Christians is – another book. Right? Amazon only has a million and a half of them, so I don’t think the supply is sorely limited.

So you write the thing and put it out there and two things happen. First, some sore-assed old fart whose wife caught him in bed with his secretary, gives you a ONE Star review, because your heroine reminds him of his wife. That makes you so depressed you seek the company of others, where there is alcohol around. And so the second thing that will happen is you go to your next cocktail party. The host or hostess will invariably introduce you to the other guests as, “My friend, the author.”

That’s when the Chiropractor will come up to you at the cocktail weenie warming-dish and say, “Hey, you know, we should collaborate. I have a million really funny ideas I get from patients. I’ll give them to you and all you have to do is write them into a book, and we’ll split the profits!”

That’s your cue to respond, “How about if I give you MY ideas, and you write the book?” And then you can spear a weenie and go look for your hat.

But before you can put it on, someone will ask you, “Where do you get your ideas for all those books?”

And, as you open the door to leave, you say, “Oh, there’s a magazine that comes out every month called ‘Great Ideas for Best Sellers.’ I just go through there and pick out a few and write ‘em up, it’s a cinch.”

Of course the idiot who asks you that wants to be a rich and famous author like yourself, so he’ll grab you by your lapels (or skirt, if you are of that persuasion) and say, “Hey, how do I subscribe to that idea magazine?”

You’ll glance around as if you are about to reveal how one can construct an atomic bomb in one’s own bathroom and answer, with a serious frown on your face, “Sorry, bud. You have to be a member of the ‘Amalgamated Author’s League of America’ and have six best sellers, before you can buy a subscription.” Then, as you chuck him under the chin you say, “But, hey – stay as sweet as you are, okay?”

Now you can leave and go home and spend more time writing a clever retort to that asshole who gave you a ONE Star review, than you did on writing the damned book.

 

About johnbeckmanbooks

John Beckman, a retired meteorologist, was known as “Johnny the Weatherman” in a career that spanned forty years. He forecasted the weather on WSJS-TV in Winston-Salem, NC, at WFGA-TV in Jacksonville, FL, and for thirty-three years in Atlanta at WSB-TV and WXIA-TV. Also a well published author Beckman now devotes full time to writing fiction. He currently has several eBooks on Amazon.com, "Tropical Knights," first in a series of adventure/mysteries about a sailor and his lovely CIA cohort on a mission to save America. Now available the sequel, and second in the series: "Tropical Daze." The third Jack & Amy adventure is "Tropical Rage" which became available on 30 April 2014. All of his books are highlighted on http://johnbeckmanbooks.com and available from Amazon.com. . .
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